Desperate Husbands by Richard Glover

Author:Richard Glover [Richard Glover]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780730401346
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers

Delusional

He goes to the top of the

mountain, straps himself

onto a small metal cafeteria

tray, then hurls himself off

the mountain. ‘The winter is

long,’ he mumbles through

ice-chapped lips, ‘but death

will be quick.’ Three minutes

later, horrified, he finds

himself at the bottom of the

mountain, alive, safe and

having invented the sport

they call ‘the skeleton’.

Snow business

The northern winter is long and depressing. There are endless periods of enforced idleness, and much of daily life takes place in total darkness. Insanity is common, as are suicide and alcoholism. Perhaps this explains the sports featured in the Winter Olympics—all of which seem to involve new and ingenious ways of throwing yourself off a mountain.

Imagine you’re in Finland and it’s February. No one has seen the sun for months. And so Olaf climbs to the top of the highest mountain he can find, puts on his beloved skis and throws himself off. It’s so cold, it’s so boring, the vodka has all gone, he’s thinking, ‘I just want to die.’ Miraculously, he lands upright on the skis and glides safely to the bottom. His suicide bid has tragically failed, but he’s created the ski jump called ‘the aerial’.

His friend Sven sees what happened to Olaf and is determined that his own suicide bid will not fail in a similar way. His vodka ran out weeks ago. He has only two rollmops left in his pantry. His wife ran off with a holidaying truck driver from Spain. So Sven takes no chances. He goes to the top of the mountain, straps himself onto a small metal cafeteria tray, then hurls himself off the mountain. ‘The winter is long,’ he mumbles through ice-chapped lips, ‘but death will be quick.’ Three minutes later, horrified, he finds himself at the bottom of the mountain, alive, safe and having invented the sport they call ‘the skeleton’.

At a meeting that night, the citizens try to work out why people are throwing themselves off mountains—and yet constantly surviving. Says Hendrik: ‘It may be because they can see where they are going.’

He suggests throwing oneself off the mountain, feet first, one’s body strapped flat onto a board so one cannot see the track ahead. The next day, Hendrik gives it a try and finds himself at the bottom of the mountain, shaken but alive. Unbelievably, yet another Olympic sport has just been invented. This one they call ‘the luge’.

The village now breaks into mass insanity. There’s still nine months of winter to go, no vodka left, barely the smell of a rollmop, more Spaniards have come and departed with anyone good-looking, yet all the previously trusty methods of suicide are failing. The villagers take a vote and decide they’ll just have to shoot each other.

Arming themselves with guns, they strap on their skis and stomp up the mountain, blasting randomly in both prone and standing positions. Some work in teams, some individually, while others blast while in pursuit. Tragically, no one dies. The villagers return depressed but alive. They discover they have invented the biathlon.

Some will argue that not every event in the Winter Olympics is life-threatening.

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